Delayed Grief and Childhood Loss in All of Us Strangers

Films often struggle to capture the true depth of human emotion, especially loss. In my experience, attempts to depict loss in movies almost always involve a quick cry, a funeral, and nothing more. I went through a major loss at a young age, and I had yet to see a film that depicts grief the way I experienced it… until I watched All of Us Strangers.

In All of Us Strangers, Adam (Andrew Scott) is an adult who lost both parents in a car crash when he was 12 years old, about 30 years ago. Upon meeting someone new in his lonely life, Harry (Paul Mescal), old memories are brought up and he begins to truly grieve. While I did not lose my parents, I relate heavily to the grief aspects of this story. At 13, I lost my best friend suddenly and unexpectedly. I mourned at the time, but I hit the peak of my grieving period at 18 years old when I moved to college and was living away from home for the first time. This phenomenon that Adam and I experienced is called delayed grief, and it is “a reaction to a loss that is often experienced months or even years after the event occurs.”[1] This is common especially in sudden losses experienced as a child. I never saw a cinematic depiction of this feeling quite like this. Many people in my life could not relate to delayed grief, which is why I connected with All of Us Strangers.

Adam is a lonely man, and this is deeply related to his grief. He is afraid to let someone new into his life out of fear that he might lose them as well. I have experienced this, too. I struggled to make new friends and had extreme anxiety about my first romantic relationship. Losing someone at a young age makes you feel that everyone you let into your life is bound to leave. When Adam meets Harry, it triggers a new period of grief for him. He revisits his childhood home and his parents’ ghosts. This change in his life is what causes the delayed grief, as the major changes in my life did for me.

Often, others do not take loss as seriously after a long time. How others treat my grief makes me feel like I should be over it by now. “It was a long time ago,” Adam says, in reference to his parents’ death. Harry responds, “that doesn’t matter.” Adam is used to people brushing it off and not giving sympathy, but Harry understands that the pain of a loss endures forever, it does not go away with time. Especially in the case of a loss during childhood, the grief often hits harder when more time has passed because we have a different perspective as adults.

Paul Mescal and Andrew Scott in All of Us Strangers (2023) directed by Andrew Haigh

Another unique experience related to a loss in childhood is the constant wonder and worry about what they would think of who you have become. My best friend never got to see me gain confidence, find myself, get into college, and so much more, just like how Adam’s parents never got to see who he grew up to be. If they saw us now, we would almost be strangers. In All of Us Strangers, he often expresses fear that his parents would not accept him for who he is, yet they reassure him that he made them proud. As someone who has experienced these same feelings, it is comforting to think that the people we lost would be proud of who we have become since the last time they saw us.

As children, we often have many fantasies about how our future will be, and these don’t always come true. When experiencing a loss at that age, it derails those fantasies even more. Adam mourns the life he could have had if his parents had lived, as I often do when it comes to my best friend. He talks with them about what he imagined would have happened: vacations, conversations, and even arguments. While he mourns what did not happen, he and his parents also show gratitude for the time they spent together. When Harry asks if he got to say what he wanted to his parents, he replies that he was just glad he got to spend time with them. I would feel the exact same way if I got to see my best friend now. I do not have anything specific to tell her, I would just want to be with her. There can never be enough time with our lost loved ones. 

Loss is often a catalyst for agony, confusion, and horror. In the film, these feelings of fear and misunderstanding are portrayed through Adam’s distorted screams, both as a child and as an adult. The distortion of the images makes it feel scary to the audience as well, which contributes to the aspect of grief. Even though his parents’ death happened a long time ago, he still feels this distress and uncertainty when reliving the memories as an adult, as I often do in my grief.

The film All of Us Strangers portrays so many aspects of delayed grief that may be hard to catch if you have not experienced it. It captures the loneliness, anxiety, wonder, and fear that comes with losing someone important at a young age with intention, nuance, empathy, and grace.

[1] Rowe, S. (2022, January 31). Delayed Grief: Causes, Symptoms, and How to Cope. Psych Central. https://psychcentral.com/health/delayed-grief